disappointed.

Today in sacrament meeting I played Homeward Bound. It's my favorite song, really and I was so nervous to play it because I wanted to get it exactly perfect so that the congregation would feel the same spirit I always feel when I hear it.
I got up to play and I was so scared I was trembling so incredibly hard, I barely found the sustain pedal. For the first 3 or four measures I used the middle pedal on accident. I made mistakes and then forced myself to go on and find some random place to pick up where I made the mistake. I did so incredibly badly. After the third mistake, I shook my head while playing and silently beat myself up inside. I was so glad when I played those last three notes. I even got those wrong though, too.
I didn't look up at the congregation. I was ashamed. I felt like I ruined their chance to feel the spirit with that song. I silently and morosely put my sheet music back in my little black folder, gathered up my heels (I didn't bother putting them back on knowing what was coming next.) I kept my head down the entire time I walked from the piano in front to my seat near the middle where I sit with my home/visiting teachers and their daughter.
I couldn't even look the sister in the eye, I was so ashamed of myself. I just quietly said "I did so bad" and sat down after putting the folder on the ground and dropping my shoes. I held my face in my hands and started to cry. I shook my head and thought "I can't believe I just did that" In a sort of tone (in my head) that implied I had done something utterly stupid.
My visiting teacher (the same sister) just comforted me so much. I eventually stopped being a baby and managed to look up a little bit to hear the talk.
Then came the hardest part, the confrontations. Accepting what had happened in sacrament meeting.
I knew everyone would come up to me and say "Oh! Well done, Sister Bonazelli!" or "That was beautiful!"
It most certainly was not beautiful, and I was not wanting to hear the compliments. Then, there was a woman on the way out of the chapel who stopped me and held my hand and shoved lifesavers in my hand and said "I know you are disappointed, but next time will be better. Start preparing so we can hear your beautiful music again". The whole time I was in that building, that was the most true and honest out of all the comments I recieved, in my eyes.
Then after church when my home teacher (the husband of above mentioned visiting teacher) and his daughter were driving me home, I was looking out the window in a morose way and he said "You did good." I said I did bad. He said "No, you did good. Not perfect, but good." I just asked why do you think I did good? He said that If someone who was incredibly talented went up and id that song, it would have been no problem for them. It wouldn't have meant so much to the people who know them or the other people. Because, they are already so good that they don't need to put any effort in. But because I had the courage to go up and play after working for months to learn this piece (I did, really. I worked so hard. I think that's part of why it was so heartbreaking when I failed.) I did more. I gave all I had. He compared it to the parable (story?) of the widow when she went into the temple and paid all she had to the church, which was an incredibly small amount. The other people there paid a lot of money to the church and it was nothing to them, it seemed like they didn't even sacrifice anything. Her payment or donation (I don't know the story, I'm going off of memory of what he said) her donation meant more because she gave all she had and sacrificed with faith.
That was a huge deal for me today. I didn't react too much on the outside, but inside, it really made me think.
I came home and lds.org searched the widow and the word used to describe her donation (I've already forgotten it) and I read it... it was only 3 verses. That kind of shocked me how little it was. Now that I'm writing this it kind of makes me think of my favorite verse in Alma in the Book of Mormon (which I quote all the time) Alma 37:6. About the little things that can be a bold impact on our lives.
I wasn't going to go to the temple trip on friday. I didn't want to go, but after today... it's all I desire right now. That and a hug from a certain specific friend, but that won't happen. Tomorrow when I go to my visiting/home teachers house for FHE, I'm going to tell them I would actually like to go. Something is telling me to go. I really want to also. I need some peace after this week. Oh, and tuesday I have poetry out loud schoolwide competition. I'm going to practice with all my might so there's not a big repeat of today.
I appreciate my visiting teachers. I really do. I love them, they help me so much when I need it and even when I don't ask for it. The Sister really comforted me when I was crying after the performance. They have me over for FHE once in a while. They give me rides to and from church. I really appreciate and am incredibly grateful for all three of them. They are really, truly amazing.
I'm not giving up piano. I know that there will be a few, if not, several more times I perform terrified and making mistakes until I get better and better at it. But I'm not going to give it up. I love it too much.
Success is the courage to try, right?